Janie Posted:

kerri, don’t listen to these douchebag trolls. I admire your commitment, and would like some tips from you on getting my ex-boyfriend EdgE back.

where does he live? if he’s in the same town as you, it’ll be a lot easier. did you break up with him or did he break up with you? if you broke up with him, just take a bunch of pills and call him to tell him you’re committing suicide because your life is too desperately lonely and meaningless without him. you’ll be back together before they finish pumping your stomach.

if he broke up with you, it’s a little more difficult, and it would depend on the details of the breakup. if he’s seeing someone else, start by leaving dead rats in her mailbox or on her doorstep, with a note attached saying they’re from him. she’ll either dump him because he’s gross or because he’s lying to her about sending them.

if he’s not seeing someone else, just start following him around town. don’t get too close at first. what you want to do is just let him catch glimpses of you once or twice a day. then start showing up at places where you’ll know he’ll be. when your eyes meet, breathe a long, shuddering sigh and let a single teardrop roll down your cheek. carry around a long-stemmed black rose wherever you go. finally, write him a poem expressing the dark void your life has become since you broke up and send it to him.

let me know how it goes. good luck.