MercWithMouth's Flamebate Posts

let's make a bet

i bet i’m going to sue you or whatever

yup

Joseph of Suburbia Posted:

yes… YES.

They’re coming back, Chuck Diesel. The banned players. All of them. This was your dream.

Welcome back, MWM.

Thank you. It’s good to be back.

yup

I’m not sure why we feel it is necessary to use slang while communicating. What’s the harm in using ‘yes’?

TUBSWEETIE GUIDE TO PICKING UP A HOT BABE

STEP2 — MOVE IN FOR THE KILL

I slide on over and ask her if she needs another drink. Cliched, but the drunker she is, the more likely it is she’ll overlook my painful short-comings and getting this babe unconscious is a worthwhile goal. I start talking and don’t stop for at least 3 minutes. I observe her reaction.

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She’s still smiling! I think she really likes me! Or maybe her hit of Ecstasy just kicked in. Either way, I proceed with haste to Step 3.

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Hmmm, I’m either boring her senseless (not necessarily a bad thing — senseless is just a few inches from unconscious) or she’s trying to figure out if she can fit me in, between Canadian Idol and CANADA HOCKEY NIGHT. I proceed to Step 3.

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If she reacts like this, I won’t give up hope. It could be a little indigestion, or perhaps the return of an unpleasant memory, or I could be the biggest loser that has ever bought her a drink. I’m a betting man that always loses so let’s go with indigestion. I proceed to Step 3.

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No matter how much vodka and cranberry she may have spilled on her hand, this is a sure sign she’s starting to likes me! bumuming my jockeys aren’t soiled (well, they probably are, but still…Log in to see images!, I proceed to Step 3.

STEP3 — POP THE QUESTION

No, I’m not going to ask her to marry me— although this woman is pretty damn fine, I’m already trying to figure out how many carats I can get with 3 month’s salary. I ask her the question, you know, nudge, nudge, say no more. I ask her if she wants to…

• join me in reciting, “OH!!!!! Canada!”

• make the beast with two backs, one really hairy like a Canadian moose, the other just fine like a shaved Canadian beaver

• be ridden hard and put away in a wet maple syrup puddle

• get busy (in a vain attempt to seem “hip” you may also offer her some “bling-bling”Log in to see images!

• bump uglies until dawn (she’ll figure I’m the ugly one and understand the bumping part)

• Or I just say, “so, you’re from Canada, eh?”

Whether or not I really use any of these lines depends on how drunk I really am. Hopefully, instead I’ll just approach it all simple like and ask her if she’d like to finish her drink while watching the stars from the terrace my room.

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I hate when this happens. I’ve apparently lost all control, whipped it out and wiggled it at her. Haven’t I? Dammit, I have. I punch out like Maverick. I hang my head in shame, take another long, pathetic stare at her body, and proceed to Step 5.

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“GODDAMMIT!” I tell myself, “Tubsweetie, put it away! We’re trying to pick up a woman not ANOTHER restraining order!” I then make a mental note to call my lawyer MercWithMouth and proceed to Step 5.

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Three minutes of conversation and I put her to sleep. Freakin’ terrific. Sleep is not as useful as unconsciousness. I stare for awhile, and give her a sniff. I touch her arm lightly to confirm how soft her skin is and then proceed to Step 5. NOTE: this is usually the outcome MercWithMouth arrives at.

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Is she dialing 911 or canceling dinner with her fiance? Who the hell am I kidding!? When this happens… I RUN!! Never mind proceeding to Step 5, I just RUN!

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Holy crap… I, um, well… I take hold of her hand gently and walk slowly to parking lot that we might take my ‘96 Buck to proceed to Step 4!

STEP 4 — HOURS OF AMAZING PLEASURE AND GRATIFICATION

Wait a minute. Did I really get to Step 4? No way. Way? Unbelieveable. Hmm. I really should take some pics. Merc would never believe me otherwise. I should also tell him that I’m gonna want an advance on that book-deal we were discussing.

STEP 5 — 2MINUTES OF NUMB PLEASURE

Sigh. I’ve been here more than a few times.

I head to my car and drive home.

I log onto 4chan.

I start searching, ‘+camwhore +canada +self-degradation’.

I dump contents of hand lotion tube into right hand.

And then I dump contents of blue balls into stolen hotel handtowel.

Ah well.

Maybe things will go better next time.

Dedicated to Shank Ninja.

everything sucks now

valka Posted:

Good, its exactly like flamebate.

The Merc With The Mouth has got just what you need. Log in to see images!

post ITT to permaban mercwithmouth

No easy task. Observe:

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Help out a veteran Forumwarz player!

Protip: Never take seriously a guy with a name like “AIDS_woman's genitals”; particularly when he is sexually confused and of unsound mind in general.

And besides..

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Unban Fran and close that ****ty contest

quangntenemy Posted:

Also Log in to see images!

Log in to see images! Also:

[05:15] <Fran> Pathetically enough, forumwarz has been practically my entire life for the past few months.

(view post)

3BP THE BIGGEST FLAMER Battle Royal Deathmatch ROUND 2

CrinkzPipe Posted:

A few minutes has turned into a long time.

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Sorry if I was late, boy…

Grown-ups have things to do during the day.

Having said that though…

I love you Crinkz. Really. I do.

Because you are a reminder of no matter how bad things ever get… your very EXISTENCE is testament to a level of failure that normal people could never POSSIBLY sink to!

Were I to go into the movie theaters after the film was done and sweep the floors of all the spilled coke, popcorn, empty wrappers and bubble-gum…

Then mix it in with the leftover organic parts from a PIG ABORTION…

And then leave the vile connoction to ferment across the day in the boiling heat of the sun…

I would STILL wind up with something more useful and with more dignity than YOU!

You are not Epic Failure… You are not a Basement Dweller… No, those are just MEMES— metaphors, really.

No, you are in every sense something of far more plainness, and far less importance.

Crinkzpipe you are a LOSER.

Everything about you reeks of the stuff in society that is overlooked when it is here, and instantly forgotten when it is gone.

And what’s worse… It never had to be this way.

You were born in the most prosperous country the world has ever known. You could have become anything and were afforded opportunites that billions could only dream of.

But you never seized those opportunies. You SQUANDERED them.

Look at you. Look at yourself.

No job. Few friends. You lack of the companionship of a woman.

You live off your parents who begrudgingly tolerate you from the knowledge you wouldn’t last 10mintues on the outside.

You are neither athletic nor intelligent.

Your daily routine consists of doing raids in Diablo — a game which was released when Bill Clinton was president — and achieving MICROSECONDS of sexual-gratification by violating yourself before websites that you are barely old enough to log onto, and which you could never afford since you would never be approved for a credit card.

You probably never even finished school. And if you did… it was only after you were expelled from the public schools. Not because you were guilty of anything per se, but because you were the chronic victim of all the strong and smart kids and the administration did the logical thing of kicking you out — the victim — as a way to do you and themselves a favor.

And even at home… while studying for your G.E.D… your mother would give you the minimal pbuming grades possible simply because she could not stand the shame of knowing that you would be Failed under even her tutelage.

And it will even get worse from here. Your daily visits to ForumWarz are a method by which you numb the pain and escape the pathetic gloom of your so-called life. But every minute you spend at your keyboard… is another minute by which your already terribly neglected body begins to atrophy.

You’ll be lucky to have your hair still by 25.

And you might already need to begin seriously considering acquiring a mobility scooter to get around.

You have little reason to wake up in the morning, and even less reason to go to sleep at any sensible hour.

But what’s truly, TRULY abhorrent and pathetic…

As I said before… it didn’t have to be this way.

Another contestant in this contest remarked that I enjoyed sucking quangntenemy’s male reproductive organ. While my inclination is to simply remark **** YOU to the miserable creature who said that… it is nevertheless true that i DO respect Quan immensely.

After years of study and discipline… he’s become a successful systems analyst for a banking firm. But… here’s the thing. He didn’t have your opportunities, CrinkzPipe.

Because it wasn’t in the United States where he achieved success… it was IN VIETNAM.

All the advantages of being an American… and you can scarcely keep yourself groomed or clothes from covering the floor of your room? You could have been a success.

But it’s too late now. You won’t. You can’t. You’ve wasted your best years needlessly and have imprisoned yourself forever in a grey arena of unimportance and sloth.

Do yourself and others a favor.

Log in to see images!

Die.

Perhaps your demise — if even noticed — might serve as a warning to others to make something of themselves.

3BP THE BIGGEST FLAMER Battle Royal Deathmatch

1. POLITICS. The answer is simple. FUMIGATE THE DEEP SOUTH. Once you purge the red-state rednecks from the planet, the country would be thrown so far to the left… then QUALIFIED people will start holding office in large numbers. 11years after that… You’d have World Peace. Log in to see images!

Speaking of which… http://www.****thesouth.com/

2. RELIGION. Hmmm. My preferred deity is Cthulhu Log in to see images! So… yeah. Wherein religion is concerned, I’ll stick to worshiping Heirloom like a loyal cultist.

Consider… http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/5746/heirloomisgoddess.jpg

3. WEB BROWSER. Hmmm. Well, on the one hand, if Internet Explorer was a woman… she’d be the first woman most of us have ever tried. She’s pretty easy… but would also be prone to get you infected.

FireFox on the other hand… She LOOOOVES to accessorize and claims she’s experimental. She’s lots of fun, and won’t say no to kinky Plug-Ins. She’s hard to get out of your mind, though, and will occupy your memory. Still… go with Firefox.

Alright… that’s my inital post. I want CelerySteve to answer an email for me first before I resume posting. And believe me… I’ve got LOTS of torment and cruelty that, time permitting, I’d love nothing more than to unleash on these wretched fabulous persons and basement dwellers! Log in to see images! (view post)