List Of Gifts
talk:
- Add a "Usable By" column listing which classes can use which junk come episode 2
- need verify that dog spray and Spamminator 2000™ v2.0 can be obtained as gifts
- add any items not on list (done till ep2)
- editing note: when taking the url for pictures of items sometimes after .jpg is followed by ? and some jibberish, you can delete everything after the .jpg
List of Gift Items
| Image | Name | Description | Class | Approximate flezz value |
|---|---|---|---|---|
 | Chinese Takeaway | These crispy noodles are six months old, but you’d never know it due to the extremely high amount of MSG; not only is it a great preservative, but it’s also a powerful deliciousizer. | ? | 1 |
 | Marble | Lost your marbles? Here’s one. Also works as a poor man’s anal bead. | ? | 1 |
 | Dishwashing Brush | Hey, when it comes time to start scrubbing ‘tween yo momma’s fleshy flab-folds, this wiry brush will really get those bedsores, um…somewhat less festering? | ? | 1 |
 | Toy Eyeball | Absolutely fucking useless. | ? | 2 |
 | Ironic Egg Timer | There’s something inherently disturbing about a chicken going out of its way to remind you that its unborn fetus is about to become breakfast. Will there be a pleasant chime when your baby dies? | ? | 2 |
 | Retro Calendar | The flipping mechanism on this calendar is broken, but don’t let that stop you from placing it prominently in your living area. Hey…at least it’s right once a month. | ? | 3 |
 | Vinyl Record | This novelty record from the early ‘60s is by an obscure singer by the name of “Tubbs Parcheesi” who began a dance craze called “The Sitdown.” The song finally cracked the Billboard 1000 after he choked to death on a peanut butter ‘n kielbasa sandwich. | ? | 3 |
 | Tomato Soup Can | The educational system in California has really gone downhill in the last few years…. | ? | 4 |
 | Birdhouse | Attract soothing songbirds and, occasionally, a homeless man’s smegma. | ? | 4 |
 | Rusty Old Kettle | This is a magical pixie kettle. If you rub it just right, absolutely nothing will happen, because magic doesn’t exist, you superstitious dickhead. | ? | 5 |
 | Pirate Flag | There’s no subtler way to sneak up on an unsuspecting sea vessel than to hoist this menacing skull-and-crossbones on your ship’s jigger-mast. Yaargh. | ? | 6 |
 | Approxim-o™ Knife | This unpopular cousin of the famous utility knife makes a great toy for children and pets. | ? | 6 |
 | Used Asthma Inhaler | A homeless person once used this as a crack pipe, so not only will you catch your breath, but you’ll also catch a wicked buzz! Note: Do not touch to mouth. | ? | 7 |
 | Remote Control | This remote control is held together with scotch tape, elastic bands and sheer desperation. | ? | 8 |
 | Rubber Chicken | This has a panoply of uses, including: beating cripples over the head; luring children to your house or shanty; and, of course, masturbating. | ? | 8-9 |
 | Dried-Out Cheese | This wedge of cheese is just big enough to fit into the average American hamburger. Bon appetit, fatso! | ? | 9 |
 | “Magic” Mushroom | This mushroom is not actually “magic.” It simply contains a small amount of poison that causes you to hallucinate…right before you die. Caution: May contain a family of Smurfs. | ? | 10 |
 | Box of Internal Mystery * | What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!? | ? | 10 |
 | “No, I Fucked Your Dad!” The Greatest Comebacks in History | Trounce any online opponent with this handy guide to tried-and-tested schoolyard retorts. Wanna be a comeback kid? Be the Rocky Balboa of the internet world!* *Rocky lost in the last movie. Spoiler alert. | ? | 10-11 |
 | Abandoned Tire | Someone’s horrendous accident is now your windfall! Enjoy, you heartless monster! | ? | 11 |
 | Spamminator 2000™ v2.0 * | Bill Gates famously said that spam would be a thing of the past by now. Let’s prove him wrong! A full spamming suite that includes email crawling, a fake “remove me” option and a database of 5,000 different ways to spell Viagrow. | ? | 12 |
 | Dog Spray* | This is just pepper spray, but legally you’re only supposed to use it on attackers of the canine variety. Yes, we realize that African-Americans sometimes call each other “dawg,” but that doesn’t count. | ? | 12 |
 | Expired Ground Pork | Although this may look like maggots, this is actually ground pork. The maggots are underneath. | ? | 12-13 |
 | Human Skull | This decomposed human head doesn’t do anything for you, but there’s probably some Wiccan out there who would like to stick a candle in its eye sockets, then leave it on their desk as a reminder of how badass they really are. | ? | 15 |
 | The Anorexic Cookbook: 50 Fun Recipes for Water | Calorie-free recipes that are as fast, cheap and easy as you are! Now you can eat gourmet every day — or every other day — and still keep that slim, whorish figure. Try this sinful treat: deep-fried water! | Camwhore | 15 |
 | Mix Tape of Novelty Songs, Awful Covers and ‘80s TV Theme Songs | Pop this antiquated mixtape into your cassette player when you really need to rock out with your cock out. Sixteen hatingly selected tunes that’s sure to bring out anyone’s inner douchebag. | Troll | 17-18 |
 | Down the Road, Not Across the Street! An Illustrated Guide to Suicide | Sage advice for anyone who wants to kill themselves. Also plenty of info for those who just like to cut themselves “to see how much it bleeds.” One pint? Two pints? Three? Order now and get educated! | Emo | 17-18 |
 | Anvil | With this anvil, you have the potential to become the best “Black Smith” since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yo homes, smell ya later! | ? | 20-21 |
 | I Almost Had Sex With a Woman: Memoirs of a Hacker Hero | A sensational account of one computer nerd’s inspiring journey into quasi-sexuality. Norbert Erdman’s fanciful tale is sure to uplift anyone whose sole interaction with the female of the species was that time they chatted with this hot furry in Second Life, but it turned out to be a dude, but they kept cybering anyway and then they felt kind guilty but by then the pizza had arrived. | Hacker | 20-21 |
 | Fish Head | Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, man them shits is delicious. Aw yee. | ? | 25-26 |
 | The Art of Flame War | A highly influential treatise by the mysterious Chinaman “Moon Yu,” this ancient document dates back to the BBS era of the early ‘90s.
Preferably read in an exaggerated Chinese accent, The Art of Flame War will help you become a master of destructive criticism. | Troll | 32 |
 | CMPLT MRN’S GIDE 2 TXTNG | Increase your forum attack speed by absorbing the knowledge contained in this alarmingly short guide to chatspeak. Note: Users under 17 years old may have been born with this information already embedded in their tiny little brains. | Permanoob | 32-34 |
 | Genuine Asimov™ OS IX | OS IX is the latest release of the Asimov Operating System™ for Asimov™ Super Computers. New features in OS IX include:
Support for Keyboards and Mice:* You may now use the latest in computer inputting technology to communicate with Asimov OS. Deleting of files:* Tired of buying new hard drives every time your old one filled up with junk? Throw those worries away with our new and novel file deleting commands! Digital Rights Management:* Sleep well at night knowing that the copy of the software you purchased is actually owned by you, and that the profits of the Asimov Corporation™ are safe! Very rarely causes your computer to burst into flames* | ? | 42-43 |
 | Children’s Playhouse Kit | This fun playhouse has been pre-assembled for your convenience. Just add chains, padlocks and a hornet’s nest! | ? | 50-53 |
 | Empty Gas Pump | For fun, turn this into a homemade colonic irrigation system. Just fill it with lukewarm coffee and you can become the next Tubgirl! | ? | 75-79 |
 | McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ | Is anti-virus software getting in your way constantly? Do you hate feeling protected and safe? If so, McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ is the software for you! Simply install this software, and like magic your anti-virus software will go away. Say goodbye to a life free of infection! Say hello to McBuggy. | ? | 151-159 |
 | Bicycle | They say that bicycles are the most efficient form of transportation. We say, ever try to fuck a chick on the backseat of a bicycle? That’s what we thought, faggitron. | ? | 252-265 |
 | Buy This Book: The Complete Guide to Buying this Book | Alternate title: “How to Con Someone Out of a Thousand Dollars.” | ? | 505-530 |
 | Motherboard | Your motherboard? I’d fuck her. | ? | 757-795 |
 | Deed to Indian Burial Ground | This is an old deed for a parcel of land currently inhabited by the ghosts of 1,000 dead Crow Indians. Perfect for setting up your mini-golf course or dream (nightmare?) home. | ? | 1515-1590 |
 | Electric Transportation Device | This marvel of human engineering uses six gyroscopic sensors to make you look like the biggest douchebag on the police force stuck on the “convention center beat.” Easily chase down crooks (as long as they stay away from stairs). | ? | 2317-2385 |
 | Sexual Relations With That Woman | It’s the closest thing you’ll ever come to fucking Bill Clinton…even if your name happens to be Hillary Clinton! She’ll let you stick a cigar in her twat, and will even perform analingus on you while calling you “Mither Prethiden.” | ? | 2822 |
 | Constitution of India | We know this sounds racist, but this literally does include the right to smell a helluva lot like curry at all times. Don’t believe us? Check out its Wikipedia history: revision as of 12:52, 14 October 2007. | ? | 2954-3012 |
 | Jew’s Harp | This ancient mouth instrument produces a highly unusual twanging sound, and has no actual relationship with the Jewish people other than the fact it is highly overpriced and will only marry other Jew’s Harps. See JHarpDate.com. | ? | 3030-3180 |
 | Pipe Organ | It’s the only musical instrument whose name consists of two euphemisms for the penis, and that alone makes it valuable. Also useful for seducing nuns and choirboys. | ? | 3975 |
 | Pocket Watch | Why wear a watch on your wrist like a normal person, when you could be pompous and carry it around on a chain in your vest pocket? As for its handy chain, if you ever get it stuck up your ass—and let’s face it, who hasn’t—you can just yank it back out like a rusty, shit-covered tampon. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. | ? | 4294 |
 | Justin Timberlake's Mobile Phone | Even though he sings like a homo, this guy actually gets more celebrity tail than Ol’ Blue Eyes did, back before he needed ol’ blue pills. Hell, he even fucked Britney Spears back when she was hot and was smart enough to run out before she went all fat, bald and floppy-snatch’d.
You can call up pretty much any young starlet and when they see the caller ID, they’ll be flying out to fuck you before you can say “Cum Me a River.” | ? | 4500-4664 |
 | Mary Magdalene | This is a nude depiction of Mary Magdalene, the only woman fortunate enough to have had anointed Jesus’ flesh-flute with that sweet little mouth of hers. She claimed his semen tasted “pretty normal,” but then again she was a huge whore, wasn’t she? Historians are uncertain as to whether she also juggled his Easter eggs while she penetrated his holy shithole with her leprous pinkie. I'd so hit that. | ? | 5050-5300 |
Notes
- Box of Internal Mystery, Spamminator 2000™ v2.0, and Dog Spray was spotted at the Ppwn Shoppe, and bought / resold for its price.
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