I yawn and turn over in bed.

Can’t sleep.

Again.

Downstairs the TV is on

And I can hear you calling names

Of players in your never-ending game.

You cheer and wake up my brother

But you don’t realize it.

The TV is up too high.

So I stand to take care of the child

But he falls silent

So I return to bed

And pull the blanket up over my head

And curl into a tight ball

For protection from my dreams.

Your heavy footsteps outside of my door

Drag just enough to tell me you’re sober

But not enough to tell me whether you

Plan to take my innocence again,

What’s left of it, anyway.

Slight fluctuations in your breath that I

Pretend I can detect.

My mind flashes to the clock on the nightstand.

Red blinking numbers that tell the time

Reliably.

Readily.

I can feel the cold knife of air pbum under the sheets

And back up to clip the back of my neck and intensify

My shaking, which was caused by you’re presence in this room.

A thousand frozen needles cutting my flesh

As you pull back the red blanket and

Lie down without a word behind me.

For a moment you wait, calm fluttering in my chest turns to acid

Running through my lungs. Your hands are gentle at first, as they

Peel me out of my enclosed shape. You smile and leave saliva on my neck

As if I was your wife, and not your son. Am I your son? I might as well not be.

Lying in your arms I used to be safe, when I was small and would climb in beside you

After a nightmare, when the memory was fresh in my mind of being shot through the chest

And you would always hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Did you believe yourself?

Hands all over me, like raindrops or a shower running over my skin. You might as well be made of fire.

I can’t help but feel like this s what I want. Can’t help but feel like sex with you isn’t that bad. Is it

Because I’m used to it? Used to you? I used to go somewhere else in my mind but now I

Stay here mentally with you as you find what you were looking for between my legs

And move your hands back and forth over it, preparing me for what you’ll do.

I can’t do anything but stare at the clock and be glad it’ll all be over soon.

You line yourself up with me and it doesn’t hurt anymore, I just feel

A slight pressure as you press your hands to my hips to hold me

Steady. Your body rocks sideways, I’m amazed you can do

This in such an odd position. Usually we’ve flipped by

Now. Now? Now you swallow hard and I can feel

Saliva running down your throat and my neck

And other fluids running from lower places

Onto the sheet; it’ll stain slightly lighter

Than the blanket originally was….

You grunt and moan as you hit the brink of

Your moment in the sun, and as you step away

There’s a glow coming from your body. Leftover

From when you finished your task.

You leave me to clean up,

To pbum out even though I’m

Covered in both of our sweat and

Saliva and blood from where you bit me,

Semi-white liquid left for me to dispose of.

But I don’t clean up.

I’m too exhausted.

I can’t move, really.

As I catch my breath,

Exhaustion

Puts

Me

To

S

L

E

E

P

.

.

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