Well. Where do I begin? I guess I should start with a quick background. Basically I have been diagnosed OCD with Hallucinations, and Major Depressive while spending time in the US Army. 2 Years ago I spent the month of April in the psych ward, and lied to get out. Month of May I was a wreck. Then spent the month of June back in the psych ward. I have been put on 5 medications since. Ativan, Clonidine, Luvox, Trazodone, and Zeldox. I consume about 15 pills a day. And I hate taking the medication. Recently I stopped taking all the medication except the Zeldox, which is my antipsychotic. I am grateful that I am no longer suffering through hallucinations. But my depression has gotten worse, my cutting has gotten worse and I can barely sleep.

So I am at a point now, where I don’t want to continue living. Suicide has been a thought process of mine everyday for the last 7 years. For the past 7 years I have been numb, and faked emotion so others wouldn’t worry about me. I am tired of living a lie. Every day I wake up, and say to myself “Another day of hell”. I am numb to emotion, I feel nothing as the day progresses. I am tired of feeling this way. Suicide to me is a logical concept, and I will complete it on September 1st.

I have spoken with my Therapist and Psychiatrists and they know how I am. Yet they can only see me in September. Oh well. I don’t except anyone to care. I have noone that does care. My family doesn’t care. I hate interacting on a daily basis with them. I often joke that when I do kill myself they probably won’t notice for like a week or so… of course if it were my brother who killed himself, they’d probably die from grief.

Anyway I just wanted to get that out there. Not like I have anyone to tell this to that I trust. I don’t even know why I bother waiting until September 1st, what is the difference between tonight and then? I came close today, had the knife to my throat, but decided to cut my arm instead. Yay me! I look at my body and I look hideous, I say **** it. What is the point in living? Everyday is painful.