The Cheat Posted:

A number of incidents have taken place in the last several weeks which have troubled many members of our community. I urge you to read the text that follows carefully, keeping an open mind, from the beginning to the end, and without skipping around. I further recommend that you take breaks, as many of the facts presented will take time to digest. In such a brief letter as this, I certainly cannot refute all the slogans of the most destructive vulgarians you’ll ever see but perhaps I can brush away some of their most deliberate and flagrant scribblings. To simplify, I recently heard Team Shortbus tell a bunch of people that truculent meddlesome-types (especially the misinformed type) are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. I can’t adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don’t know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text.

The foregoing analysis is self-evident even if it is sometimes overlooked. Less evident are the specific ways in which we should invigorate the effort to reach solutions by increasing the scope of the inquiry rather than by narrowing or abandoning it. Team Shortbus’s insinuations are a threat to the freedoms enjoyed by all free citizens of the world. And let me tell you, Team Shortbus has been offering neurotic clueless-types a lot of money to plague our minds. This is blood money, plain and simple. Anyone thinking of accepting it should realize that when a mistake is made, the smart thing to do is to admit it and reverse course. That takes real courage. The way that Team Shortbus stubbornly refuses to own up to its mistakes serves only to convince me that an armed revolt against it is morally justified. However, I profess that it is not yet strategically justified.

It is not news that Team Shortbus advertises its strict morality solely to shift attention away from its many vices. What speaks volumes, though, is that if I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to shatter the adage that ghastly mafia dons aren’t ever muzzy-headed. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth’s population that when Team Shortbus is gone, all that will be left from its legacy of hate is the hate itself. I mean, think about it. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care.

this is either copypasta or you’re a long-winded and unfunny fabulous person