Dude, I am so ****ing awesome your mind is ill-equipped to perceive it. If you fail to choose this awesome post by an awesome poster, it will only confirm that your sense of awesome is insufficient to the task before you. I don’t hold it against you. Not everyone can be as awesome as I am. I understand that. It’s OK.

I crush rocks with my bare hands. I crush ice with my bare forehead. You got it, I can crush it. I crush a lot. Because I’m awesome.

I bust mad rhymes. If you’ve got a mad rhyme, I can bust it into tiny little ****ing pieces. Because I’m awesome.

I’ve had sex with seven women. SEVEN, man. That’s as many as seven ones. And that’s awesome. That’s a woman for every four years I’ve been alive. You know any four-year-olds who’ve bagged a babe? Didn’t think so. You know why? Because I’m awesome.

I can climb a ten story brick wall. That’s right, ten ****ing stories of brick wall. All I need is a big hammer and some railroad spikes, and it’s on. You know what that is? That’s right, it’s awesome.

I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. I used a nerf gun. That’s right, a kid’s toy. He still died. You know what killed him? How awesome I looked shooting him with a nerf gun. Gave him a heart attack, and he was twenty four years old, with a clean bill of health. Yep, I’m that awesome.

I’m internet famous. I have a fandom, full of fangirls. That’s right – that plural is intentional. Girls I haven’t even met like me. Look around at most forum-goers. How many of them are even tolerated by the girls who know them? Mommy doesn’t count here, bucko. What does that make me? You’re damn right – Awesome.

That’s right. You don’t even need to wait till April 6th, man, **** that ****. There’s not gonna be a poster more awesome than I am – hell, look at that, I even use the first person nominative pronoun properly in a comparative clause. How many people you think even know what “the first person nominative pronoun” is, or would think to use the phrase “comparative clause?” What’s that, right there? Awesome ****ing grammar, ****es.

Go on, man, don’t give those other posters false hope. It would only be cruel, leaving them hanging in the wind, just to disappoint them in the end over a foregone conclusion. Look at all the awesome in this post. We’re not in the same league. Hell, if my league went supernova, it would take ten years for the light from the explosion to even reach their league.

Game over, man. Game over. Just admit it.