I’m black. Seriously. Look at my skin. It’s not white like my opponent: it’s black.

Did you know that black people have slightly longer male reproductive organes on average than white people? Look it up on Wikipedia and be amazed. We’re talking an extra 1/4” on average. My speech writer said it’s inappropriate to talk about my male reproductive organ in a campaign speech: but then I showed him my extra 1/4” and he ran away crying.

Another thing to consider is that black people don’t get sunburned. That means no skin cancer. Did you know my opponent had skin cancer once? He did. When it comes back to kill him (and it necessarily will), he will be leaving a seal clubbing hockey mom to run the white house. She’s hot enough for my extra quarter incher, but not to run this country.

But enough rhetoric, here are my official campaign promises:

If I win:

– Every active user on Forumwarz will receive a bonus of 4 Forum Visits.

– Since I am a socialist, I will tax the richest active Forumwarz accounts by 25% and spread it amongst the poorest active accounts.

– Jobs will give double the points for the 24 hours following my win.

Bonus 1: If I also win the US Election:

– I will give out free access to Episode 2 to 10 random accounts who voted for me.

Bonus 2: If I also get more friend requests than McCain:

– I will give a new E-Peen™ to those who voted for me.