This is art George Carlin’s “Filthy Words”

The following is a verbatim transcript of “Filthy Words” prepared by the Federal Communications Commission.

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can’t say, that you’re not supposed to say all the time, [‘]cause words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, **** Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn’t say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn’t say, ever, [‘]cause I heard a lady say **** one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the **** is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn’t and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, ****, ****, ****, woman's genitals, male reproductive organsucker, ****, and mammary glands. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word **** was really repeated in there because the word **** is a compound word and it’s another form of the word ****. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn’t really—it can’t be on the list of basic words. Also, male reproductive organsucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word—the half sucker that’s merely suggestive (laughter) and the word male reproductive organ is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty—dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the male reproductive organ crowed three times, heh (laughter) the male reproductive organ—three times. It’s in the Bible, male reproductive organ in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a male reproductive organ-fight, remember—What? Huh? naw. It ain’t that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It’s chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Angle-Saxon fame. Uh, **** and ****. The word ****, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle clbum has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it’s not really okay. It’s still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don’t like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-clbum home, you’ll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it’s out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh **** oh ****, (laughter) oh ****. If she drops something, Oh, the **** hurt the broccoli. ****. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

****! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn’t that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That’s true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmer) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [‘]cause (laughter) that’s based on people liking it man, yeh, that’s ah, that’s okay man. (laughter) Let’s let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, ****. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word **** is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that **** out of here, will ya? I don’t want to see that **** anymore. I can’t cut that ****, buddy. I’ve had that **** up to here. I think you’re full of **** myself. (laughter) He don’t know **** from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I’m the new man from Shinola, (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don’t know whether to **** or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I’ll **** on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the **** is going to hit de fan. (laughter). Built like a brick ****-house. (laughter) Up, he’s up ****’s creek. (laughter) He’s had it. (laughter) He hit me, I’m sorry. (laughter) Hot ****, holy ****, tough ****, eat ****. (laughter) ****-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a **** – eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) **** on a stick. (laughter) **** in a handbag. I always like that. He ain’t worth **** in a handbag. (laughter) ****ty. He acted real ****ty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real ****ty attitude. Heh, he had a ****-fit. (laughter) Wow! ****-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn’t there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals—Bull ****, horse****, cow ****, rat ****, bat ****. (laughter) First time I heard bat ****, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat ****. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake ****, slicker than owl ****. (laughter) Get your **** together. **** or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a **** – load full of them. (laughter) I got a ****-pot full, all right. ****-head, ****-heel, **** in your heart, **** for brains, (laughter) ****-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some ****, you know. (laughter) Hey, I’m ****-face. (laughter) ****-face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that ****. (laughter) The big one, the word **** that’s the one that hangs them up the most. [‘]Cause in a lot of cases that’s the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it’s natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It’s a great word, ****, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) ****. (Murmur) You know, it’s easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with akuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. **** (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am ****, (laughter) **** OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to **** OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It’s an interesting word too, [‘]cause it’s got a double kind of a life—personality—dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word ****. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, ****. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We’re going to make love, yeh, we’re going to ****, yeh, we’re going to ****, yeh, we’re going to make love. (laughter) we’re really going to ****, yeh, we’re going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it’s the act that begins life, so there’s the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it’s also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It’s a heavy. It’s one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can’t make out. Oh, **** you man. I said, **** you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid ****. (laughter) **** you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word **** for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Mad****ers still on the loose. Stop me before I **** again. **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump, **** the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you’ll **** that engine again. (laughter) The other **** one was, I don’t give a ****. Like it’s worth something, you know? (laughter) I don’t give a ****. Hey, well, I don’t take no ****, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don’t take no ****? (laughter) [‘]Cause I don’t give a ****. (laughter) If I give a ****, I would have to pack ****. (laughter) But I don’t pack no **** cause I don’t give a ****. (laughter) You wouldn’t **** me, would you? (laughter) That’s a joke when you’re a kid with a worm looking out the bird’s bum. You wouldn’t **** me, would you? (laughter) It’s an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it’s harmless. It’s like mammary glands, it’s a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can’t say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I’m not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it’s the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn’t have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and woman's genitals all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We’re going to snatch that woman's genitals and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmer, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, bum is okay providing you’re riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can’t say, up your bum. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)