TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I HAVE, APPARENTLY AFTER CONFUSING MY PALLADONE WITH MY DAILY VITAMIN SUPPLEMENTS, AWOKEN RECENTLY IN THE ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE WITH NO RECOLLECTION OF THE LAST TEN DAYS. I BRING THIS TO YOUR ATTENTION BECAUSE MY WALLET WAS MISSING. WHILE MANY OF THE ITEMS WITHIN ARE OF NO GREAT VALUE TO ME – MY DRIVER’S LICENSE HAD EXPIRED FIVE YEARS AGO, AND THE PICTURES OF MY GRANDSON AS A BABY ARE USELESS AS HE HAS GROWN UP INTO A REBELLIOUS SNOT – I AM DEEPLY DISTRESSED BY THE FACT THAT I HAVE LOST MY LEGION MEMBERSHIP CARD, AND CAN NO LONGER RETURN TO THE WATERING HOLE FOR DRINKS WITH MY FELLOW VETERANS.

I REALIZE THAT THE CURRENT POLICY REGARDING ENTRY INTO THE LEGION IS LAX AND THAT ONE NO LONGER NEEDS TO SHOW ONE’S CARD SO LONG AS ONE IS VOUCHER FOR BY ONE OF THE STALWARTS SUCH AS COL. ANTHROPIST OR CAPTAIN AGJESUS, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT THE CARD WAS THE ONLY THING I OWNED WITH THE ADDRESS OF THE WATERING HOLE UPON IT, AND I CAN NO LONGER DIRECT MY DAUGHTER ON WHERE TO DRIVE ME IN ORDER TO REACH IT.

I HOPE THIS LETTER IS BROUGHT TO THE CORRECT ATTENTION OF THE CORRECT AUTHORITIES.

YOURS IN GOD,

GERALD F. CULBERTSON SR. (SGT., RET)