Reccomended by King for ripping apart, im going to be posting the chapters and finding all of the annoying little bits in it to point out. Huzzah
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(1st chapter)
One day Frodo was in his room builfing a time machine and he said to Sam
Already we have a spelling mistake.
“Come over her and look at this I built it” and Sam kissed him and they started to make out and then Sam got an erection!
Because that makes sense.
“Not now” said Frodo and he showed Sam the time machine. We need to go in the time machine to another time and we can have all sorts of sex with everyone!
What happened to quotation marks? Also, lol wut?
And Sam agreed that this was a good idea and then they stepped in the time machine and flashing lights surrounded them and their vision swirled and felt as if they were going to lose concousiness, but they didn’t!
ORLY?
Instead, it felt like their male reproductive organes got 1,000,000,000 times bigger! Sadly, they didn’t really. There was huge jolt and they landed on top of eachother and started making out!
...What?

Sam took his male reproductive organ out of his pants and was about to show Frodo that he did and then just then a boy with black hair and glbumes and green eyes and a scar on his forehead.

He walked up and said “What are you two doing! Little kids shouldn’t be here, especially little kids shouldn’t have sex!”
Grammar. Also, pay attention to the fact that Harry thinks kids shouldn’t have sex
“We aren’t little kids!” they said and they out Sam’s male reproductive organ back in his pants (It took both of them because Sam’s male reproductive organ is so big).
GRAMMAR.
“What are you then?” Harry asked knowingly.
GRAMMAR!
Frodo and Sam got scared and ran away and then had sex in the bushes and Harry walked over to the bush because they hadn’t run very far. The sight of such nudity and thrusting and sploodge made Harry get all hot and then he jointed in! He got oral from Sam and Frodo at the same time! Sam also had his male reproductive organ in Frodo.
If you payed attention, then you realise harry has contradicted himself.
They all finished and pulled their sticky male reproductive organes out of the others oricices and then Harry was so happy withn them
Lets not forget spelling!
that he said “I’m going to adopt you little kids.”
Harry already has 3 kids, why try and handle 5?
Frodo and Sam were so happy that they didn’t bother to correct them about there not being children.
And back to grammar!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Christ…On to the second chapter; ‘Snape has a plan’
——-
(Chapter 2)
Thanks for thew review! It’s not a parody, but I’m happy you like it anyway. PORN IS SO HOT! Just cuz I’m 13 doesn’t mean I can’t write porn good, LOL!
You have bad grammar and spelling, you can’t write a decent plot, and you write half-bumed porn. Yes, being 13 DOES mean these things
Harry walked to the school with his new adopted kids (that were’nt really kids)
WEREN’T, you fool!
and then they went ot his bedroom where he had a cage for them. He put on his hott bondage gear and it had a leather speedo and fishnets on it and he had a chains around his arms and legs and prostate and he had a spiked leather collar. He brought out his whip and tied them to a wall with handcuffs that were leather.
How did he wrap a chain around his ****ing prostate?! Did he stick the chain up his bum?

“Ahhh!” Sam moaned as he had his nipples played with by Harry. Frodo got jealous.
Not only does he contradict himself, he has sex with his ‘kids’!
Then he wasn’t jelous as Harry began to touch is male reproductive organ. Then Harry suprised them. Harry suprised them when he struck at them with his whip and they moaned in pleasure and pain as they’re blood fell on to the floor.Harry licked it up. “Mmmm” he said and then he has sex with thme and used there blood as lube.
If harry licked up all the blood, how did he use the blood as a lube? Also, spelling. Do it.
They loved it soo much that they filled the room with shouting and moans and then Snape came in! (no pun LOL!)
No. No! Bad SotP!(Song of the past, the writers name, im not going to bother writing that out everytime that i want to mention her)Thats not funny! Thats sad.
Harry didn’t notice and continued to **** Frodo’s body. Snape took 1 look at what was going ona nd he turned around and left, to decide what he was goign to do about Harry having sex with little children with wips and gear. Snape was secretly just plotting to take them away from Harry and use them as his own sex slaves because he had kinky fantasys about doing little children and making them cry.
Spelling. Spelling? SPELLING!
Harry layed his load in Frodo’s bum before he untied Sam and made him suck Harry’s dripping probiscis.
Why would harry’s male reproductive organ be sticking out of his head?
Sam deepthroted it and gripped Harr’ys balls with his muscler garndener hand as her shoved Harry’s male reproductive organ in and out of his mouth.
Spelling AND Grammar? No.
Harry sprayed his man-juice into Sam’s throat and Sam swallowed it and before he knew anything Frodo started to kiss him and to rub Sam’s male reproductive organ and play with the tip and then he wanted it in his bottom because he really liked that. Harry watched a bit tiredly because of all the sex he had.
Lol wut?
Sam gripped Frodo’s legs and moved them apart “I’m going to **** you through the mattress”
...?
he said and he put his male reproductive organ deep into Frodo’s welcoming chasm.
lololol
“Oh, Sam, you’re my dream man!” Frodo screamed with pleasure as Sam pounded him hard. Then Sam pulled out before he came and came on Frodo’s face instead of in his bum and Frodo totally loved it. Then Harry licked it all off. They went to sleep so that Harry could not be tired during all his clbumes the next day.
What…The…****?
—The Next DAy—

Harry woke up and the sun was shining through his window. He got up and streteched as he yawned. “I’m a little sore from last night” he mumbled as he rubbed his sore limbs. He looked around for Frodo and Sam but didn’t see it.
THEM.
“Where can they be!” he asked a little bit worried that maybe they ran away from him. Then he didn’t worry as much because he thought maybe they were having sex with eachother somehwere. Then he got dressed and his books so he could go to clbum. He hoped he would see Ron and Draco because he wanted to tell them about the good sex he had with Frodo and Sam the night before. They would surely love to meet them and probly to have sex with them.
Really now? Ron and Draco would want to have sex with your ‘kids’?
TO BE CONTINUED…
Please, no more
——-
Ill be reviewing the next two in a while. Right now my brain cells need to recover from the losses.

Fair enough, ill take more time in this review, of the third chapter. And such.

——-

Harry went to saee Ron and Draco who were his best sex friedns. He saw them in the lunch room and then they snuck outside so that they could make out with eachother.

I come to wonder, ‘Best Sex Friedns’? What exactly does that mean?

“Oh Ron!” said Harry as ron moved his hand up and down on Harry’s but and Harry moaned and moved hard against it while Draco got and erection.

Draco then pulled off Ron’s pants and unxipped his pants so that his penuis stuck out of them but he didn’t take them off all the way and he put it on Ron’s bum and then he started to glide on and off of Ron and Ron thought it felt so good like he could great times 1,000,000 times, but he didn’t because he wanted to great times in Harr’ys hot sexy mouth.

SotP has yet to grasp where the ’ goes, it would seem

Harry got down on his knees and took out his and Ron’s “wands” from their pants and started to suck it in and to lick on it like a kitten on the mommy kitten for some milk.

I would like to say that a ‘mommy’ kitten doesn’t have a male reproductive organ, and even if it did, that isnt ‘milk.

Exect that milk didn’t come out sperm did instead and Ron loved it even more than milk and drank it in and swallowed all of it. Draco was in back thursting and pupoming his rod into and out of Harr’ys bottom and when he dinished he spurted pounds and pounds of his hott goo into Harry’s but and some leaked out onto Harry’s legs.

Fun Fact: According to UrbanDicionary.com, ‘dinished’ means finished with dinner in the STL.

—In Snape’s Room—

Snape’s hughe cook felt like it would burst from how horny he was. He watched as Frodo and Sam made out with eachotehr in front of him because he told them to. Sam and Frodo dind’t mind because they loved eachother anyway and then Snape made them stop.

“Sam, you must really love Frodo, don’t you?” asked Snape.

“Yes, of course I do” said Sam.

“It would break you’re heart to see someone enjoy him, right?”

Sam got a bit scared “It would make me very sad because I love him so much.”

Log in to see images!

Snape thne chained sam up with handcuffs so that he had no choice but to watch as Snape penetrated his lover.

Snape took Frodo and threw him down on the bed and spread out Frodo’s legs and stuck his male reproductive organ right in. He didn’t even use andy lube! Frodo cryed out with the pain. Snape’s balls where hard also and they slapped against Frodo’s bum with every thrust and Snape was very happy because Frodo was one of the first people he had had had sex with in a long time. He pounded in and Sam watched with tears in his eyes as Snape made Frodo bleed very bad. Frodo had tears streaminf down his face and Snape was laguhing with pleasure.

Both in My Immortal AND Time Machine, Snape loves the little kids!

TO BE CONTINUED…

——-

Aulus-I hope that this one was better, and if you have any suggestions, put them out there.

You’re getting there, but your comments still seem to spread out. Try to concentrate it a bit more. Just a little bit further!

Also, wait a while for people to reply. More opinions mean that you can improve that much more.

Because im not getting many comments, ill just post the forth one

Warning: This story will make you more scareder than ever before!

——-

Stop flamming! If I don’t get 1 good review I am never updating on again!

Sadly, out of 100+ BAD reviews, there was a few that thought it was good

—

Snape wiped off his male reproductive organ in Frodo’s hair. Frodo started to cry uncontrollable and Sam got out of his handcuffs and rand to hima dn took him in his arms and started to rock him back and forth as he kissed him on the forehead and cried too.

SotP is starting to get worse and worse in his spelling and grammar. Soon he may end up like…(gasp)...Ebony/Evony/Enoby/Whatever her name is!

“Awww” said Sanpe with and eveil gleam in his eye “I hate to break up such a lovely reunion, but the fun is just starting for meeeeeeee!”

wheeeeeeee!

Then he took a knife out and he threatened Frodoa dn Sam with it and tied them up. They got ever scareder than they were. “I’m going to kill you so you never tell a sould what hapopened” siad Snape.

It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again!

“But first, I’m going to go get Harry so he can watch his children die” said Snape.

How does snape know harry adopted them? Yes, ‘snape’ saw harry having sex with them, but no hint was ever given as to how he would know harry ‘adopted’ them. And when did harry even officially adopt them?

—

Snape ran around calling out “Harry! Harry! Come here!” but he couldn’t find Harry anywhere. Harry was with Ron and Draco who he had sex with just moments before completely oblivious to the face that one of his children got raped.

Is it Snape’s face? Or should i say snap?

Harry was happily sitting with his head in Ron’s lap as Ron petted Draco’s male reproductive organ. Draco had a lot of stamina so he was already hard again.

But then they heard Snape’s shouts as he ran frantically thorugh the school. They decided to hide in the bushes where he couldn’t find them.

Snape couldn’t find them so he went back to his room with some food for the Hobbits. But when he got there they had untied themselves and were trying to get out.

“Nauhgty boys! I will punish you!”

No desert for you tonight!

said Snape and he threw the food on the ground in anger! The hobbits got scared and huddled into eachother for protection (Not that kind LOL!).

It still is nowhere near funny, SotP.

Then Snape slapped them both and Sam got very angry, He was so angry that Snape did that to his darling lover he couldn’t take it anymore and snapped (like I will if you keep flamming!)

Watch out, somebody is ****ed at you, ON THE INTERNET

and he swung his sturdy fists at Snape. Snape was just a litt le too slow and got hit right in his knee caps. “My hero!” said Frodo as he rushed up to hug Sam.

“Thank you darling” said Sam “But there;s something we have yet to do.”

The ’ placement is finally correct and SotP uses the wrong symbol!

Then he picked up Frodo and ran out the door with him!

“Come back” said Snap! but they couldn’t hear him and kept running.

Snap, Crackle, pop, RICE CRISPIES!

“We have to find our dad” said Sam.

“I wonder where he could be!” siad Frodo.

Then they ran into… Crabbe and Goyl!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Theres one chapter left, brace yourselves

Aulus edited this message on 07/02/2008 2:39PM