Dear Janie,

How can you love someone you’ve never even met? The very idea is preposterous. You’re simply a young woman with too much time on her hands and too much imagination. What you need is to turn off your computer and go outside into the fresh air.

Even if you don’t want to join a church youth group, you could at least get involved in some sort of sports activity. I would suggest tennis, unless you’re too poor, in which case you could take up softball. You’ll meet lots of young people, get some healthful exercise, and a good dose of vitamin D from being out in the sun all day.

And as for this stalking business, I simply do not recommend it. You are the woman, so you should be the one being stalked. Men don’t like women who are forward. They simply use them and throw them away like old, smelly beer cans.

Do you want to be an old smelly beer can? I know I certainly don’t!

With all Christian love,

Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood

Mrs. Sherwood,

You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. I’m not really into fresh air, because I’m really susceptible to sun poisoning. I do go outside at night with my Earth Worship group sometimes, because there’s nothing more freeing than dancing naked under a full moon.

Do you not believe in “love at first sight”? Or soulmates? I believe some people are soulmates, and they don’t even need to meet. They’re meant to be, and the universe will bring them together.

Once I make him love me, he will not want to throw me away like an old beer can. I think I’ll be more like a really big bottle of fine wine, that he’ll return to again and again for a sip. I guess I’d be one of those really big wine jugs, or one of those new boxes of wine.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but you seem to care more than my very special parents do. They can jump off a bridge for all I care.

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*flexes*

your use of smileys was interesting during this escapade…

That sig sucks. Brb getting a new one.

PhilANThropiSt Posted:

LEAVE ME ALONE I’M NOT GOING TO **** YOU

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Please, may I enquire into who this is you lust for?

I enquire purely because I know it can’t be me, since I posted for the first time today. Also, I hold no hatred of emos, so there will be no blackmailing. And also, I request no tit-pics, unless you want to send them to me, then that’s fine.

There there Janie, I believe that when he comes back, he will be more in love with you than ever. And it’s probably a good thing that you do not lust after me, as my girlfriend is a stabby type.

You seem like a very imaginative person Janie. I am honoured to have made your aqaintance.

we all want to **** you, pants..one way or another eh old son

And please, call me Hattie.