Shopping for Nerissa

And so through roads I did drive,

On my way to the mall,

A gift for Nerissa,

‘Twas her birthday and all.

The front doors I walked in,

My mind’s thoughts there were many,

“What gift should I buy?”

Something good for my penny.

Past the food court I went,

A wino was asking for change,

Fat children ate fast,

Oh the grease they’d exchange!

“Hey you!”

I heard a cry from not near.

“Shopping for gifts?”

I felt reason for fear.

‘Twas the bookshop that called,

Volumes on knowledge,

Magazines for pleasure,

Guides for cheating through college.

The clerk I approached,

“What book should I get?”

A professional was she,

So why should I fret?

“For whom is this gift?”

“A woman in jail or a man on a ship?”

“Or maybe perhaps-”

“Well, just give me a tip!”

“For a woman I buy,”

Was my comely remark,

“A computer enthusiast!”

This seemed a walk in the park.

“A lady of computers?”

Skeptical was she,

“Let me see what I got,”

Things looked to get scary.

I followed behind her,

The back aisles we walked,

She took books from the shelves,

You wouldn’t believe how I gawked!

“How about these ones?” she asked,

“Fools’s Guide to Spam?”

“CyberSex for Dummies?”

“Working with Obsolete RAM?”

“Tempting,” I said,

Apprehensive my tone,

“This girl works PCs,”

“So she’s usually alone.”

“Most our books,” she lamented,

“Are for those expert at dating,”

”’The Joy of Sex,’ for one,”

“Or ‘Oprah Talks Modern Mating.’”

“What I’d recommend,” she continued,

“Is you try three stores down,”

“What’s over there?” I inquired,

“V.S.! For when you’re partying in town!”

I knew not what V.S. stood for,

But venture out I did,

It was very unlikely afterall,

That V.S. stood for ‘Venomous Squid.’

Believe me when I say I was surprised,

To learn for what V and S were for,

I could hardly believe that,

I was walking into a ‘Victoria Secret’ store!

“How can we help you, Sexy?”

Asked the spunky sales girl,

“Is she large? Or is she missing one?”

“You consider her your precious gem-pearl?”

Bizarre mind-images painted,

I calmly responded,

“This one’s actually like a cool friend-”

“I’m not that closely bonded!!”

“A cool you friend you say!”

Cheered the store clerk,

“I can do that! Now tell me,”

“What’s her line of work?”

Feeling somewhat at ease I willingly said,

“The sweet girl’s an engineer.”

But from the look on her face,

Already I knew that I’d soon need a beer.

“Betty! Sarah! Get over here fast!”

She called to the east,

“I need your help, girls,”

“Go find me THE BEAST.”

March forward they came,

Each holding an end,

Size300 panties!

This for a friend?!

“Engineers I’ve known,” commented the clerk,

“To rarely move from their shanties,”

“So what better gift,” continued the girl,

“Than these giant panties?!”

Postage aside,

I instinctively knew,

Though practical perhaps,

This just would not do!

Disappointed somewhat, the clerk was beginning to speak,

“Perhaps 100% cotton isn’t your thing,”

“Her other hobbies are what?”

“Does she fish, swim, or sing?

“She’s a very cool girl,” was how I responded,

“She loves comics, cartoons, and video games,”

“And anime, my oh my,”

“How she frequently exclaims!”

I walked out of the store,

Lingerie not working out,

“Third times a charm!” I said,

“Or else I’ll begin to shout!”

The girl selling underwear told me about a new shop,

“Captain RobotNinjaVampire’s Comic Book Place!”

“Perfect!” I was sure,

“This I know she’d embrace!!”

Batman was awesome,

And Superman compelling,

Wolverine had claws,

And wasn’t Spiderman amazing?

I walked the displays,

My smile appeared,

How could I go wrong?

This joint was well geared!

Past Green Lantern and Hawkman I walked,

When suddenly- could it be?!

Lo, behold! A big statue!

It was Goku! From DragonBall Z!

I called to the clerk,

“This statue! It’s perfect!”

“Tell me, how much?”

“She loves to collect!”

“You’re a lucky guy!”

That’s sure what I thought,

“This statue’s half-off,”

“It’s the last one we got!”

Opening my wallet,

Preparing to buy,

Someone else snatched the statue!

Oh God! Why? WHY?

Who was it? I looked up to see,

Oh boy did I groan,

From grade ten, my nemesis,

The evil, the ugly Brian Malone!

“Hey dude, I had dibs!”

“Finders keepers, you puny dip****,”

“C’mon! That was mine first!”

Across my head he then struck it!

Recoiling from the blow,

My eyes scanned the place,

A lightsaber!

So BOP! Right on his face!

“Now you die!” shouted the creep,

Around my neck, grabbed his hand!

Wondering was I, my vision going black,

“The situation, what did it demand?!”

When suddenly, I remembered!

A cool trick I saw on TV,

This punkbum was going to find out,

WHY YOU NEVER **** WITH A PUNJABI!

“kame… Hame… HA!!!!”

My hair was now yellow and my eyes were now blue!

“Oh ****,” Malone knew perfectly well,

He was pretty much through!

Pounding him was fun,

For fifteens minutes or so,

Then the handcuffs slapped down,

My only thought: “DOH!”

If you know in advance,

That you might go to jail,

Don’t shop on the weekends!

On Sunday – NO BAIL!

I got home, eventually,

Another felony citation,

I still needed a gift,

Oh, what in damnation?!

Running short on time,

And patience as well,

“I’ll just burn her CDs,”

Oh, what the hell.

Things didn’t go quite as planned,

But, oh, what the hey…

‘Cuz in six short weeks,

It’s Mona’s Birthday!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NERISSA!

(CDs are on their way, sweetie)

are you guys gonna make sex now Log in to see images!

Aww Crinkz, that’s a great poem. That Nerissa girl must be really lucky.