Tucker Max Posted:
[WARNING TO ALL GUYS: You might want to stop reading here. The ensuing conversation I am about to recount prevented me from sleeping for a full two days, and has permanently and irreversibly scarred me. Save your psyche while you still can. Females have nothing to fear.]
At one point during a lull in the conversation, a random gay guy got involved in our conversation, and figured out that I was straight and they were trying to get me to have a homosexual experience. He dropped possibly the biggest, most disturbing conversation bomb EVER DROPPED ON ANYONE EVER:
Him “I bet you’ve already slept with a man.”
Tucker “Alright, come on man—I invented Tucker Max Drunk, but not even Tucker Max Drunk makes you switch teams.”
Him “How many women have you been with?”
Tucker “I don’t know, about [number].”
Him “Oh yeah, I bet you’ve ****ed a man.”
Tucker [Getting obviously frustrated] “How??”
Him “I have three words for you: Post Op Transsexual.”
It took three seconds for the full meaning and significance of that statement to filter through my drunken brain. Then came the first stage of loss: Denial.
Tucker “What? Get the **** out of here. I’ve never ****ed one of those.”
Him “You wouldn’t know.”
Tucker “Man, give me some credit.”
Him “Have you ever slept with a woman who told you she couldn’t naturally lubricate, that she had to use KY?”
Oh no.
Tucker “Well…yeah…two, actually.”
Him “Uh-huh.”
Tucker “No. No way. Stacey was one, I went to college with her, she was definitely a woman. Everything about her was woman. And she was like 17 when we ****ed. You can’t be post-op that young.”
Him “Probably not. What about the other one?”
Please no…
Tucker “Uhhh, I met her in Miami…”
Him “What did she do?”
Tucker “She was a stripper.”
Him “Did she have fake mammary glands?”
Tucker “Yes.”
This isn’t happening. He is ****ing with me.
Tucker “No, man, she was not a ****ing man. She didn’t have an Adams apple.”
Him “That is a two hour outpatient surgery. Easily done. Cheap too.”
Tucker “But it was…she had a woman's genitals. IT FELT LIKE A woman's genitals.”
Him “Surgery is amazing these days. She probably even had a clit.”
WHAT THE ****??
Tucker “But she was soft. Her skin I mean. She felt like a girl.”
Him “You’re smart. You know what large amounts of estrogen do to the male body, don’t you?”
Tucker “But what about her voice? She didn’t sound like those absurd trannies on Springer.”
Him “Estrogen. And maybe even vocal chord surgery. It would make sense if she has a lucrative stripping or escorting gig to protect.”
I just stood there, too shocked to move, trying to recall every detail about her to refute his argument.
Tucker “Wait, wait, wait…”
Him “She gave great head, didn’t she?”
Tucker “She was a stripper! They give head for a living!”
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.
Him “Was she tall? Taller than you?”
Tucker “Yeah, but I’ve dated lots of girls who were taller than me.”
Him “But I bet none of them had hands as big as hers.”
I AM GOING TO VOMIT.
Him “Did you have anal sex with her?”
Tucker “Yeah.”
Him “You ever had anal sex with other girls?”
Tucker “Yeah.”
Him “Felt a little different with her, didn’t it?”
Oh dear merciful Jesus.
He was right. I distinctly remember that.
Tucker “**** THIS!! NO ****ING WAY THAT I ****ED A MAN!!”
Him “I think you did.”
Tucker “SHUT UP SHUT UP—I CAN’T BE HEARING THIS!!!”
Him “Don’t feel bad, this happens to lots of guys. You’d be shocked.”
Tucker “OH MOTHER****!! NO WAY. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!! WHAT IN DEAR GOD IS HAPPENING??? I DID NOT **** A FAKE WOMAN!”
I was in SHOCK. I could not sleep or function for the next two days, as I went over every detail I could remember about this “girl.” I am still undecided about her. Yes, he made good points, but everything about her I recall as being feminine. The way she smelled, her touch, her appearance, everything. And it was a nice strip club where I met her, Rachel’s in West Palm Beach. Don’t they check for these things?
He went on to explain that some post-op transsexuals will go to the bathroom before sex, and put the KY in without even telling the guy. Others don’t even have fake breasts, because the elevated estrogen levels can give them B cups. He said she might not have been the only one. My brain was completely fried after that conversation. I still don’t know what to think.
Gentlemen, all I can say is don’t spend too much time cataloging your ex-hook-ups because it will drive you nuts. Just pretend you never read this and move on. You wish you had heeded that warning now, don’t you?
Tucker Max is my hero
