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**** my life
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This site really amuses me:
Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML
Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she’s pregnant. We’ve been together for three months. Two years before we began dating I received a confirmed successful vasectomy that she doesn’t know about yet. FML |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 1:47AM |
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View KaaVink's Profile
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“Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird ****. FML”
My goodness, this site is amazing. Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 1:53AM |
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View LadyCooper's Profile
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Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed “neither” to “fine upstanding member of society.” I didn’t notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 2:03AM |
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View KaaVink's Profile
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Here’s my favorite posts:
Today, I spent almost my entire English clbum turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack.
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number.
Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying “You definitely take after your mom”.
Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire.
Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents.
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice.
Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i’m allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them.
Today, I asked my boyfriend to have sex. He told me he would rather play ps3.
Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on.
Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe causing me to cough loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was ok. Joklingly I said “Yeah, just dying..” – She replied “You too, huh?”
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don’t own a dog.
Today, my friend’s son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him “about a dollar?” He said “wow, that’s really cheap for blow.” He’s 10.
Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell.
This site is hilarious, already got it bokmarked. |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 2:10AM |
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View AntiRules187's Profile
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Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 2:55AM |
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View TUBSWEETIE's Profile
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Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 3:15AM |
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View KaaVink's Profile
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Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for clbum. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, “What’s the matter, lose a leg?” Unfortunately, there’s nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML
Today, my friends and I go to a bar and proceed to get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, “There’s a child in this bar! There’s a CHILD in this BAR!” She turns around. She was a little person. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML
Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, “Haha, you can’t even walk.” I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML
Today, I was woken out of my drunken state by a guy trying to stick his male reproductive organ in my mouth. I’m a guy. FML
LOL, bookmarked. |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 3:36PM |
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View BertyWooster's Profile
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Bookmarked it as “FML- For Those Who Love Schadenfreude” |
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| Posted On: 02/06/2009 3:51PM |
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View Jojo Mellow's Profile
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Oh god I came here the other day and seen this and went to fmylife. I think I’m addicted to reading stories about everyone’s issues. I can’t stop laughing. |
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| Posted On: 02/28/2009 7:59AM |
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View Mainks's Profile
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I was just reading about this on SA, seemed amusing |
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| Posted On: 02/28/2009 8:03AM |
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View Somebody's Profile
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Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disbumembling and rebumembling it) in my new room, because I couldn’t find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
Lmao! Welcome to my new Homepage! |
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| Posted On: 03/01/2009 6:56PM |
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View Miss Information...'s Profile
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Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, “YUMMY! I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He’s my cousin. FML. Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 03/01/2009 7:17PM |
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View Jim McPerson's Profile
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Best website ever
“Today, I woke up at my boyfriend’s place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, “I heard everthing.” FML |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 1:33AM |
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View Charismatic_Stal...'s Profile
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Patch did it again!
Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, “well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at.” The nurse laughed. FML |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 1:46AM |
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View CrinkzPipe's Profile
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Jesus Christ, so many entry’s where people are most likely to be joking rather than trying to make the person “**** their life”. |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 2:01AM |
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View CrinkzPipe's Profile
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Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML
this one made me lawl, but it also made me fell a little sad Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 2:06AM |
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View Adapt's Profile
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Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 2:13AM |
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View CrinkzPipe's Profile
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Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
Awww. Log in to see images! |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 2:15AM |
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View CrinkzPipe's Profile
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I just read this whole thread, FML. |
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| Posted On: 03/07/2009 7:38PM |
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View JustALittleSomet...'s Profile
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Hehehe…
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989”. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML
Today, I went to my new doctor to establish the paperwork. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, “what do you do?”. I told her I normally did woman's genitalsl, but would sometimes do anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML |
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| Posted On: 03/17/2009 4:07AM |
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View KaaVink's Profile
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