Lets play a fine game of Soggy Biscuit, chums and chumen!

What? You arent familiar with SOGGY BISCUIT? Absurd! Unheard! You must be from Easter Island. ****ing Easter Island with those goddamn statues.

Well. On to the game. First, everyone gets in a circle. You generally want upwards of six people, but this can be played alone.

Now, you cut a biscuit in half and lay it in the center. Make sure no one is too far from it.

Now, whip out your male reproductive organs and start masturbating. Be sure to come on the biscuit! THIS IS IMPORTANT!

Now, this is a speed contest. Therefore, the last one to come must eat the biscuit. No gimping on this. Eat it. All of it.

Now, this might seem sexist. How do women get in on this?! This is a question I am often asked. But not to fear! Ladies, all you have to do is team up with THE WORST player. Handsies only – no mouth. Thats cheating.

NOTE: The biscuit, in the event you do not, in fact, have biscuits, may be replaced with either a peice of bread, a hot dog bun, or a glbum.

ROUNDS

Round one is the quickest, obviously. Usually, this only takes a minute or two. This is boring. It’s too quick, people say! Well, never fear. This is solved by the three-round-shoot. Instead of one quickie, go for three rounds, with 10 minutes of break in between. The one who losses 2+ rounds must eat the biscuit at the very end, rather than between rounds. In the event of three different losers, go for a tiebreaker. Not too much to explain there.

NOTE B: Three is simply the default. Five and Seven are also worthy. It’s generally a bad idea to go above that; two testicles can only handle so much.

LUBRICATION

Lube rounds generally begin during the final third of the game, to speed things up. Qualifying lube materials include bumer, vaseline, lotion, blood, feces, and hair grease.

***Lube subclause A***

Every participant must receive the same lube UNLESS a 2/3 exception vote is approved. The same applies to equal amounts.

PORN ROUNDS

Porn rounds generally take place during the second third of the game, unless a unanimous vote allows it to occur during the first third. Porn is to be chosen at RANDOM.

***HOMOSEXUAL PORN SUBCLAUSE A***

In the event that the minority is gay, gay MAGAZINES may only be used. If the minority is STRAIGHT, straight magazines are to be used.

***PORN-LUBE SUBCLAUSE A***

Porn-lube rounds may only occur during a victory fap. No exceptions.

EXCEPTIONS

1) Any man with extra testicles is to receive an initial 15-second handicap, with 5 seconds for each additional testicle, with a max handicap of 30 seconds.

2) Any man found using lube in a dry round is to be given instant loser status.

3) Staying dry in a lube round offers a ten-second head start.

4) Choosing not to watch pornography in a porn round offers a 15-second head start.

VICTORY FAP

A Victory Fap is the bonus round, when a second loser may be chosen. This is ONLY to be decided upon by the Grand Fapper (Majority winner). This is to occur AFTER the biscuit has been eaten. All rules apply, though the loser of the primary may drop out if he desires.

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Thats about it, folks. Anyone interested in partaking?

soggy biscuits

Playing this by yourself is win. You win, lose, fap, AND get a nice snack.