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Macho ITT We're Maddox

Mysterymeat

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3

[The Protected]

Level 34 Troll

BADbum

You’re all a bunch of mac-using dumb****s

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Illandir

Avatar: Plague Victim

Level 14 Troll

“Inflammatory Agent ”

He attended the University of Utah, but eventually dropped out and does not hold a degree.

Mysterymeat

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3

[The Protected]

Level 34 Troll

BADbum

Shut the **** up dumb****. You will never match my glory.

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Phlegmatic

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6

[Pessimists]

Level 19 Troll

“Li'l Hellraiser”

Mysterymeat Posted:

BAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MADDOX INSULTED THE IPHONE

Mysterymeat

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3

[The Protected]

Level 34 Troll

BADbum

I also insulted those stupid, ****ing Croc shoes. I am a genious.

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dongs

Avatar: Nipple Piercing
2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

JOIN TEAM AWESOME NOW AND GET FREE LOLICON HENTAI!

ims o angry


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2krew2furous

dongs

Avatar: Nipple Piercing
2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

JOIN TEAM AWESOME NOW AND GET FREE LOLICON HENTAI!

First, I’ll start off by saying that I can’t convince any of you to find me “funny,” or to like my writing; nor will I try. That said, I don’t know why everyone at SA has so much sand up their collective woman's genitalss about me (and this is pretty much the only place on the Internet other than the mother’s group I have going after me with this kind of religious-like fervor).

Someone emailed this thread to me and I couldn’t believe some of the **** I was reading. I mean, do you people even read this **** before hitting post? I doubt many of you who hate me so much have even read more than a few of my pages, but will easily jump on the “maddox is a stupid ignorant **** – Manny Calavera” bandwagon without so much as a cup of Kool-Aid and a ticket to Guyana. This was epitomized by fr00g’s post in which he responded to someone suggesting that I did not plagiarize Something Awful (more on this later), along with a link pointing to the evidence. Fr00g’s loyalty to SA is unquestioned; so much in fact, that he’s quick to dismiss anything that might shed a less unfavorable light on me in favor of a semi-sarcastic (and later ironic) quip that resulted in the heat pointed to him for a few posts before it got back on track: “stupid ignorant ****” maddox, “he’s posting free entertainment for people, I ****ing hate him, that ****er.”

I would have registered an SA forum account a long time ago if it weren’t for the fact that I hate forums, but a small part of me always wondered about the forums on SA. I always wondered what forcing people to pay would do to the quality of posts on this forum. I suspected that the quality of posts would go way up, and you’d get really smart, funny people posting on here. For the most part, judging by the Photoshop Phridays submissions, I’m right. But then I read some of the posts here about me, and am now convinced that there exists a group of people who are unable to form anything that even remotely resembles an argument, even on the most fundamental level, but are somehow really good at photoshopping. A post by “elpintogrande’s” stood out in particular. To quote:

“Maddox is an untalented writer, a poor excuse for a humorist best suited for a cubicle job at a hawhaw.com email forward factory … He’s also a mbumive bumhole when it comes to thinking he invented the Internet”

Elpintogrande did a bang-up job with what he thinks about me, but I’m afraid this post won’t go on the refrigerator because it fell short of answering the most important question: why? In fact, someone even followed-up and asked this important question, to which there was no response. Take that, me.

It’s easy to call someone untalented, but harder to back up your claim, especially when the person you’re calling untalented commands the attention of 4 million readers. Monthly. I’m sure many of you agree with Elpintogrande, but have you asked yourself why? I mean, I very well could be an untalented writer. Hell, many of you have pointed out that what irks you about me is that I say a lot of things that are very obvious. A brisk, care-free post here and there satirizing my writing style poorly affirms that I am indeed a “hack,” and that “anybody could do” what I’m doing, and you can go back to the warm, comforting notion of being “that funny guy” for a few minutes on some forum that nobody cares about.

If you’ve read any forum online for any length of time, you’ve probably come across someone ****ing about a band that’s “untalented.” It’s the comment every other untalented loser invokes when a band that he or she doesn’t like makes it big. It’s the clbumic “so-and-so isn’t doing anything special, I could do the same just as good if not better.” This is true, of course, until you point out the fact that he doesn’t have a popular band, doesn’t have a popular website, and probably never will. But don’t let that stop you from calling someone else untalented, credibility is overrated.

Although a lot of you clearly hate me, what all of you have failed to do is explain why I get so much traffic. If what I’m doing is so obvious, so trite, and so easy to do, and I’m so untalented, then why haven’t any of you figured out what I’m doing differently, because obviously I am doing something that you, and all the other poser, cry-baby, wanna-be detractors are not.

I’ve seen a couple of attempts to explain my website’s popularity, such as “anyone who reads maddox is a moron” and/or “very special” (an SA favorite). Other than being tired, it’s a stupid explanation since many of SA’s readers read my site as well (see Alexa’s “people who read this site also read…” referral section if you don’t believe me), and by extension, would mean that SA is also popular for the same reason. Since I’m sure the majority of you reading aren’t willing to concede that this argument necessarily makes you a moron as well, there must be another reason.

The truth is, millions of people do find my website funny. That’s why they keep coming back month after month, day after day. Many of you have pointed out that I only update once every few weeks. SA clearly has the advantage here, since SA is maintained by a bevy of writers, is updated daily, and has a huge pay-forum to keep people coming back. There are literally millions of unfunny websites out there, so why aren’t any of them huge like mine? Do you honestly believe that people keep coming to my site over and over every month because they think I’m untalented?

The other reason so many of you hate me is because I couldn’t care less if people don’t visit my website. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. I don’t have anything to gain by having more people visit my website. Unlike SA, you don’t see a single banner, “please donate” link, or pay-to-post forum on my website. I’ve seen the whining that SA costs upwards of $2000 per month to host. It breaks my ****ing heart, truly it does, but what many of you don’t realize is that the majority of SA’s traffic, about 56%, goes to forums.somethingawful.com. Nevermind what that says about its content, if 56% of the traffic goes to the forums, then theoretically getting rid of the forums would reduce SA’s bandwidth consumption by about 50%. Granted, there’s not as much media in the forums, so I’ll give a more generous estimate and say that about 30%-40% of SA’s bandwidth goes towards its forums. So if you take away the forums, SA’s monthly cost should also drop by about 30%-40%, reducing their monthly fee to about $1400-$1200 per month (and possibly even less if they get bumped into a different consumption range), which is close to what I pay to run my site. How do I do it without hawking ****ty banners on my site?

Simple: I have a job.

So if what I say is true, which it is, then why does SA continue to have its forums? For the love of the community? C’mon, the real reason SA has its forums is because SA is a business. There, I said it. As much as many of you hate to admit this, your coveted Something Awful is just a business masquerading as a satire site. Lowtax is a business man—and quite a brilliant one at that. I have to admit that charging people to join forums, then charging them for all sorts of frivolous bull**** like changing your title (who the **** cares?), and then looting the forums for brilliant photoshop submissions that get hijacked with Something Awful’s insignia, and then posting the submissions on the main site to produce more content to generate even more ad revenue with each click, is very, very clever.

Of course, to prove that SA isn’t a business they would have to take down these forums, stop taking credit for photoshop submissions made by people here, and cut back on their writing staff. But why destroy the illusion of having millions of monthly visitors to advertisers by getting rid of 56% of your traffic when you’re making so much money? SA is a cash cow. Period. Does this matter? Probably not to most of you, but think you’ll ever see anyone at SA talking **** about jlist.com, zipa.com, or any of their other sponsors?

That leads me to the next bumertion that “elpintogrande” made, that I’m a big thief through this indirect bumertion: “he’s also a mbumive bumhole when it comes to thinking he invented the Internet.” What many of you may not know is that in 2002, my children’s artwork critique (http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=irule) made a huge splash on the Internet, and that’s when I started seeing copies of my article pop up everywhere (even today someone sent me a link to a site that stole my material, and this guy even went the extra mile: http://maddox.xmission.com/dumb****.gif). Since its inception, it has been re-printed (with and without permission) in hundreds of newspapers, dozens of magazines, read on air on dozens of syndicated radio shows, a few art journals, and even two TV shows. I still get permission requests from people asking to reprint my article to this day.

When I originally wrote the article, I too thought it was “too good not to be taken.” I did a google search for a number of phrases like “crappy kids art,” and found nothing. Then in December I saw an SA post by Livestock (I believe) titled “critiquing the life out of your kids” or something along those lines. Being that I was starting to see so many people plagiarize my work, and I had never seen SA do anything like that before, I decided to email Lowtax to ask him if people at SA might be lifting ideas from me.

He wrote back and basically said my bumertion was the “most very special thing” he had read in months, and that SA came up with the idea first, suggesting that perhaps I had plagiarized them instead (brilliant logic: I rip someone off, then I ask them if they ripped me off).

I know Lowtax has posted about this to some of you, but what most of you probably don’t know is that after Lowtax pointed Livestock’s article out to me, I wrote him back with an apology letter. I even offered to get him in touch with some of the publishers I was speaking with to mend any hard feelings, to which he didn’t respond.

So that’s why most of the writers (and now fans, because heaven forbid you have an opinion contrary to your idols) at SA are still so bum-hurt about me. Apparently my personal apology was not enough, so I plan on buying Lowtax a dozen long stemmed roses and a box of chocolates so maybe he and everyone else at SA will stop sniveling and bury the hatchet. There there big guy.

As for my version of the children’s artwork, I was inspired to write it after I saw pictures hanging in a co-worker’s cubicle one day. I told her the drawings sucked, she pointed out that the artist was 4, I maintained my original bumertion. About a year after I wrote these articles (and a few months after the drama with Lowtax), someone pointed out that “The Gaping Maw” had an article similar to mine out long before I posted my original, and even before SA’s. From that point on, I told people that the similar articles were a coincidence because, drum roll: it was a coincidence.

I hadn’t heard of Livestock’s version, and for good reason: it sucked, and I’ll give you an objective reason for why it sucked. I think we can all agree that if an article is funny on the Internet, it gets pbumed around. There are a few exceptions, but by and far, if someone discovers something funny, every bumhole in the universe starts to send emails to their friends about the article. When I searched for articles similar to the concept I had, I never found Livestock’s article, because it’s not linked anywhere. Even today when I search for “critiquing the life out of your kids” on google, I have to do an exact phrase search just to find the original article.

Not using an exact phrase search, the query turns up only one link in some forum tucked away nicely where nobody will ever see it: http://www.improvresourcecenter.com…read.php?t=8680

Go to google and do a search for “crappy kids artwork,” with or without quotes and you’ll find thousands of results all pointing to my article—some of which are plagiarized copies of mine. I searched for an exact phrase from Livestock’s article just now (“You know, extinct! Cha-ching”Log in to see images! and found 1 result. Yes, just one ****ing result. I searched for “that’s interesting, everyone in this picture is white” and found 175 results.

Why would all these people link to my article, and nobody to Livestock’s? Think all these people were pbuming around my link in October 2002 saying “man, check out this unfunny website, it sucks”? People on the Internet vote with traffic. Nobody has heard of Livestock’s article because nobody (except Choo Choo Andy) thought it was funny; or at least funny enough to link to it. People like my writing better, deal with it.

Finally, that leads me to this actual thread. Many of your posts can be summed up as “maddox bad.” Since few of you actually posed any reason (I commend Linguica, and even elpintogrande), you basically added nothing to the conversation. Captain-obvious went so far as to make an empty post simply quoting someone. Thanks buddy, we may have missed it the first time. Too bad you didn’t underline it for emphasis with “READ READ” hammered out with whatever tool you use to clod at your keyboard. In fact, there’s a forum rule that addresses posts like these stating that “if you don’t like a thread, simply vote it a ‘1’ and do not reply. Pointing out how stupid / unfunny you feel a thread is will result in a ban.” Search and replace “thread” with “website” and you have the same basic principle.

Anyway, all said and done, I’ll still probably come back to SA because there are some really good photoshop phridays from time to time, and an occasional funny article, and I’m not too proud to admit it. I’m sure I haven’t convinced any of you to change your mind about whether or not I’m funny, but trying to convince someone that something is funny/unfunny is ****ing stupid. This gem by webworkz (the z is a nice touch by the way, clever way to mask the fact that webworks was probably already taken, or you’re just that elite): “Maddox really isn’t funny or witty. If I said ‘DING DING here comes the bumhole tractor’, would it be funny? No, it wouldn’t. So, why is this funny?” You ask a rhetorical question, then you answer it. Good job champ, but what I’m really wondering is if you honestly expect anyone who already likes my writing to say “holy ****, good point! That totally isn’t funny! Thanks for pointing it out to me webworkZ, I don’t know how I could have laughed at that before.”

By the way, that toobis site is probably satire, the execution is a little over-the-top, but it’s a good effort.


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2krew2furous

Zonhin

Avatar: Blood Cells

Level 8 Emo Kid

“Scene Kid”

/!\SERIOUS POST/!\

haha


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DARK ANGEL

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Mysterymeat

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3

[The Protected]

Level 34 Troll

BADbum

Women suck and I like to have hot, nongay mansex because they’re such ****es.

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InsertCoins

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[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

dongs Posted:

wtf


did maddox really write all that ?

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ravenblooDDa-
rkdreams

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1

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Emo Kid

“Gloomy Gus”

InsertCoins Posted:

did maddox really write all that ?

yes

he’s kind of a fabulous person


it’s better to burn out than to fade away. – kurt cobain

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InsertCoins

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[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

ravenblooDDarkdreams Posted:

yes

he’s kind of a fabulous person

damn i knew he sucked but this takes it to a whole new level.


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Cyst

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2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Camwhore

“Leave it to Cleavage”

it was the best thread


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*********‘~~Dont ever regret anything that made you once smile******

“omg watch out! *flings snow at little girl*”

*little girl starts to run*

“Watch out again!” *throws shovel after her*

*runs faster*

*falls in snow laughing*

Cyst

Avatar: Cyst's Avatar
2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Camwhore

“Leave it to Cleavage”

then after he made a ****ty SA parody lolz


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*********‘~~Dont ever regret anything that made you once smile******

“omg watch out! *flings snow at little girl*”

*little girl starts to run*

“Watch out again!” *throws shovel after her*

*runs faster*

*falls in snow laughing*

Tony Starks

Avatar: Chugging Beer

[Wu-Tang]

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

Cyst Posted:

then after he made a ****ty SA parody lolz

the best part of that was where it made fun of lowtax for running jeffk into the ground

as if maddox’s “angry white guy” character has been funny and fresh for the past ten years


My sig sucks because I'm a troll!

InsertCoins

Avatar: InsertCoins's Avatar

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

Cyst Posted:

then after he made a ****ty SA parody lolz

link please

i’ve never seen more of maddox than his front page or whatever he calls it.

i’ve always wondered why he was so popular, the “angry rant on the internet” gimmick is really overdone


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Cyst

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2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Camwhore

“Leave it to Cleavage”

http://maddox.xmission.com/sa/goldmine.html

it was funny because when he first posted on his fan site they all called it **** and unfunny because they thought lowtax made it, and then thought it was great when they figured out it was maddox’s creation.


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*********‘~~Dont ever regret anything that made you once smile******

“omg watch out! *flings snow at little girl*”

*little girl starts to run*

“Watch out again!” *throws shovel after her*

*runs faster*

*falls in snow laughing*

dongs

Avatar: Nipple Piercing
2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Troll

JOIN TEAM AWESOME NOW AND GET FREE LOLICON HENTAI!

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2krew2furous

Cyst

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2

[Team AWESOME]

Level 10 Camwhore

“Leave it to Cleavage”

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fu Log in to see images! Cyst edited this message on 11/29/2007 10:14AM


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*********‘~~Dont ever regret anything that made you once smile******

“omg watch out! *flings snow at little girl*”

*little girl starts to run*

“Watch out again!” *throws shovel after her*

*runs faster*

*falls in snow laughing*

Red_Machine_D

Avatar: Middle Finger Keyboard

[Pessimists]

Level 10 Troll

so poor i eat out of a dumpster, it's punk as **** hell yeah

Cyst Posted:

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Nice to see someone too ****ing lazy to spend the 10 seconds required to upload a file to imageshack.

Red_Machine_D edited this message on 11/29/2007 1:26AM

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