FuzHed Posted:

What is the difference between a brown nose and a kiss-bum?

Depth perception.

Log in to see images!

There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But — The Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter …..

Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called cirgreat timescision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

Heartless Posted:

Not jokes per se, but these glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”- John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford (one flash & it’s gone. ha)

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

These are great, and all gathered in one place! That’s worth an extra credit Brownie Point! Thank you for sharing these, some I had forgotten, and some I’d never heard.

MC Banhammer Posted:

There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But — The Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter …..

Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called cirgreat timescision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

There’s our last official winner! Thanks for the joke Banhammer!

BP recieved, and thank you.

——————————-

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a

hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, ‘You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t

return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glbum of

wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. ‘Unbumon my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. ‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly. ‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. ‘Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbumoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. ‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.’

————————-

A man goes to his local brothel, but he hasn’t got a lot of money on him, so the Madam sends him to the cheapest hooker. He walks into the room, to find the woman already naked and laying on the bed, ready for him, so he takes his clothes off and begins to **** her. Just as he climaxes, the woman spits in his face.

Enraged, he stormes out and complains to the Madam – “She spat in my face, just as I climaxed!!!” “I’m so sorry sir”. So the Madam calls the building caretaker, “Bob, fetch the hosepipe, the dead one is full up again”

——————————-

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”

The Boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your bumhole before prison.’”

——————————

There was once a poor farmer named John and his wife Esther. John never did much of anything but work on the farm, and his life was full of routine. Still, he enjoyed it.

The only excitement in John’s life came from the annual State Fair. John and Esther had gone every year they had been married. They enjoyed it very much, but John was most excited by a helicopter that offered rides for 50 dollars. He had always wanted to ride in a helicopter, and he asked Esther if they could go. She replied “Well John, I’m sure it would be fun, but it costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Every year John and Esther would return, and every year John asked to take a helicopter ride, and every year Esther would reply “You know, John, 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year, when John and Esther were in their 80s, the helicopter pilot took pity on the old man and said “Look mister, I see you here every year. If you want a ride so much, I’ll let you two go for free. There’s one catch: If you speak or scream at all during the flight, I’ll have to charge you full price.”

So they went up, and the pilot pulled out all the stops. He did dives, corkscrews, rolls, every trick he knew. Still, not a sound was heard.

When they landed, the pilot walked up to John and said “Wow! Man, you’re incredible! I did everything I possibly could to get you to scream, and still you said nothing!”

John replied “I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but hey, 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Nighson Posted:

Log in to see images!

Is that pwned or pawed ?

zigzagoon Posted:

why do they call it the xbox 360?

because when you see it, you’ll turn 360 degrees and walk away

Laughed my bum off. Not at the joke, just at the fact that at least one person in the world doesn’t know which way you’re facing after turning 360 degrees.

Edit: What? That’s my submission.

Guys you dont have to get a boner over it

InaneAnomaly Posted:

I know I’m just being tremendously dense here, but I seriously don’t get that one.

SOME EXPLAIN AND KILL IT.

heath ledger played The Joker in the latest Batman movie, but he died before the movie was released, so that’s why joker wont be back, because he’s dead

Heres another one:

If you had oral sex with someone that has had a face transplant, wouldn’t that technically count as a threesome?