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leftalon2cry's Flamebate Posts
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Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpI don’t think these count but what the hell I’m still posting them. Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! Log in to see images! (view post) |
02/20/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpIt’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” He says. “That’s cool.” Says Bobby. Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!” (view post) |
02/20/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bp- At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon…. – Despite the many rat infested slums in New York City, only 311 people are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers…. – No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right…. – The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11 story building…. – Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day…. – There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million…. – During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville’s timeless clbumic of the sea, ‘Moby male reproductive organ’, only sold 50 copies…. – The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco…. When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, “Darling, you have stolen my liver.” – Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn’t matter whether they are in front, behind, or beside them…. – A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don’t greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses…. – The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play…. – The world’s greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives…. Before dying of syphilis he was quoted as saying he only loved the first 700…. (view post) |
02/20/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpA very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?” “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.” Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!” “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Matt ?” asks the wife. “That’s his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies. (view post) |
02/20/2009 | |
The best last post wins 3BP threadLog in to see images! (view post) |
02/18/2009 | |
REAL Friend Contest for up to 11BPLog in to see images! (view post) |
02/18/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpMiss Prince Posted: A similar joke Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor..” The other man says “yeah right, you’re jokin aren’t you?” The 1st man says “No, here.. I’ll prove it” so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. “That was just a one off” So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says “See, im telling the truth” The 2nd man says “Wow, im gonna do it then” he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. “You know, you’re a jerk when you’re drunk superman” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpTongue twister
I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant pluckers son. And I’m only plucking pleasants ‘till the pheasant plucker comes. (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpI know this is not clean, but posting anyway. There once were two priests, father male reproductive organ and father Ray. One day after a very long mbum, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap. So, father Ray says to Father male reproductive organ “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”. So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue. The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has. When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his male reproductive organ. Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispencer”, wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his male reproductive organ, again he drops a bar of soap. With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispencer”. Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his male reproductive organ. But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his male reproductive organ for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, handcream!” Log in to see images! Joey and Katie are sitting in school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question. “Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?” Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty! !” Exclaimed Katie. “Correct.” Says the teacher. So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up “Who created Heaven and Earth?” Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil “Jesus Christ almighty!” she exclaims. “Correct again.” Says the teacher. So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?” Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpA guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?” The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.” Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.” 2nd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?” The guy responds, “Why, You don’t have any ears.” Interviewer: “Get out! Send in the next guy.” This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy “What ever you do, don’t say anything about his not having any ears – He’ll kick you right out.” 3rd guy walks in for his interview. The interviewer asks, “Whats the first thing you notice about me?” The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, “Why, you wear contact lenses don’t you.” The interviewer says, “That’s impressive that you’re so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?” 3rd guy “Because you don’t have any damn ears to hang glbumes on.” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpA rich millionaire decides to throw a mbumive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’ So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my cars, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the guy that pushed me in!” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”. The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: “HEBREWS” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpA man was in his front yard mowing grbum, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My computer keeps saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL.” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpThere was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!” The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!” “No” replied the man. God will save me! The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.” No, God will save me!” he said Eventually he died by drowning. He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpOne day a Catholic a Baptist and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in there boat and pushed there way over to the middle of the lake. The Catholic Said, ’’I forgot my hat” so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water. He came back and the Baptist said, ” I forgot the fishing bait” so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water. He came back and the Methodist said, ” I forgot the beer” so he got up, got out of the boat he was standing in the water then he sank. About that time the Baptist said, “Do you think it’s time to tell him were the stepping stones are? (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpThree men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy.” “That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. “It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.” Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story. “Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpThere was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” “I sure did, ” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpAn old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange cirgreat timesstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the guy dig. I had him buried upside down.” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out. The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door. On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman “I know why you’ve got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty”, He says to the Scotsman “I know why you’ve got the umbrella to keep the sun off you”, “but” he says to the Irishman “Why have you got the car door?” and the Irishman replies “If I get hot I can wind the window down!.” Log in to see images! One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven. God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke. God asked “Why did you laugh I haven’t even told the joke yet” The blonde said “I know I just now got the first one!!!” (view post) |
02/17/2009 | |
Show me the funny and I'll show you 4 bpThree men went to hell. The devil said to them “You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3” He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said “OK men, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads.” Log in to see images! After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5…10…15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her pbumionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.” (view post) |
02/17/2009 |