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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after acgreat timesulating
enough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do
it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member
about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, pbumionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”(view post)
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems”, Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied, “So have Tom and I. We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist”, said Linda. “Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrbumed!”, responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks pbumed, and the two friends met for lunch again. “So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?”, Mary asked. “Things couldn’t be better!”, Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my woman's genitals, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his male reproductive organ with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you,” he said. “But doctor,” Mary complained, “you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?” “Well, OK,” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…”(view post)
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”
Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.” “But why—” asked the startled father. “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”(view post)
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and “can you handle it?”
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks;
“How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, ”$35.”
She, “How much for the black one?”
He, ”$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She, “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks;
“How much for the black dildo?”
She, “How much for the white one?”
He, ”$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She, “I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?” He, ”$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He, “Well, that’s a very special dildo it’ll cost you $165.”
She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” To which the saleman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”(view post)
Damn, Jess, you’re made of stone. I didn’t want to have to do this, but it’s time to bring out the big guns.
That is all.
Oh, fine. More jokes, then.(view post)
With the exception of volume 7, yes. And while some important stuff happens in volume 7, it kind of abandons the true storyline progression.
And I think it was volume 4 that was a collection of back stories for the secondary and tertiary characters. Great read, but also not part of the plot.(view post)
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey… “Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was bumured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They bumured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the event.
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. It took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb **** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my bum with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided too stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it,I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending… this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 pbumed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ———————(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)(view post)
Two guys are sitting in a bar when one turns to the other and says “Hey…did you know this is a suicide proof building?”
“Suicide proof building? What the hell are you talking about?”
So the first guy takes him up to the roof and says “Look, I’ll show you.” and he steps off the ledge. The first guy looks on in horror as the smiling man drops down, but at the last minute he’s sucked inside a window.
A few minutes later he’s back on the roof. “See? I told ya! The building design has a special updraft built in. Whenever anyone falls or is pushed or anything, they never even reach the ground!” To show what he means, this time he jumps again, but just to be a wise-bum he does a somersault and a swan dive, but sure enough, he gets sucked into the second story window again.
When the elevator opens up and the guy comes back onto the roof, guy number two says “You were right! that’s amazing. Think of all the accidents this could prevent! This system should be on every building in America!”
“You would think that…but so far this is the only building that has it.”
“Well I just have to try this!”
“Be my guest. You’re as safe as a kitten with it’s mother.”
So the guy steps off, and dozens of people watch in horror as he hits the pavement, falling to his death.
The first guy goes back down to the bar, shaking his head.
“Hey, bartender, gimme another whiskey.”
“You know,” says the bartender, “you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”(view post)
Also, I know it’s not really a JOKE, but if you didn’t laugh at HEYGUSY’s submission, you have no soul. My God, I giggled like a madman the first time I read that.(view post)
Beethoven’s last movement
A man is coming home from a business trip, travelling by train from Charlotte to Philadelphia. He is exhausted, and he would very much like to get a bit of sleep on the way, but the train’s final destination is New York and he doesn’t want to miss his stop.
The man approaches the conductor and explains his situation, asking if it would be too much trouble for the conductor to wake him up when the train reaches Philadelphia. The conductor agrees, and the businessman drifts off to sleep.
He wakes up as the train is coming to a stop. Looking out the window, he realizes that he is not in Philadelphia, but New York. He immediately gets to his feet, walks up the conductor, and punches him in the mouth before storming off of the train.
Another pbumenger stops to help the conductor off the floor before disembarking the train. He asks the conductor, “What did you do to make that guy so mad?”
The conductor, rubbing his jaw, responds, “You think he was mad? You should have seen the guy we threw off in Philadelphia.”(view post)
Andy wanted to buy a birthday present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn’t been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriend’s sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop bumistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Andy got the knickers. Without checking Andy sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
I chose these because i’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with bumons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing(view post)
During one of her daily clbumes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?’
Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.’(view post)
Pi. I like pi.(view post)
10, sup. I post in the stream of consciousness style. I’ll hit all ten numbers eventually.(view post)
1, sup.(view post)
The 8 scoop solo vanilla and (yes, I’m in THAT Klan) INCIT chocolate were very beneficial to my bracket as a whole.
I’m not going to think too hard on any of the other changes, as they didn’t really come into play from my vantage point.(view post)